Attuned, Empathetic, Expert Care
What to Expect…
Beginning with a therapist, or a new therapist is hard; akin to sharing the most difficult parts of your life story with a stranger. Add to that that there are nearly as many types of therapies as there are therapists, so it can be difficult to know what to expect or if the fit will feel right. My hope is that this breakdown of what therapy feels like with me will help ease your decision.
The relationship comes first.
Attachment science shows us that deep healing happens in safe, caring relationships with a wise other. That is my role in your life: to hold hope, to care unconditionally, to lead and guide you through your healing journey. You may not have been treated this way by parents, caregivers, or partners and that has had a detrimental effect on you and your view of yourself, others, and the world. In this way, you make sense when understood in your context. But therapy is fertile soil where lies can be pruned away and the truth about who you are can take root and grow.
The session is where transformation starts.
I am an experiential therapist, meaning that the “here and now” of the session is most important, as it serves as a microcosm of how you see the world. I will ask questions about what is happening for you as we discuss what is troubling you and work with that experience happening inside you (this is where we get the name). Transformation begins in the therapy session and eventually extends to your relationships and world. I may suggest some reading if that’s your style, but rarely do I give “homework” for this reason.
Emotions matter.
Many of us have a complicated relationship with our emotions. Maybe they sweep you away and hijack your rational mind, maybe you feel like we don’t have any, and/or maybe you’ve been manipulated by them in others. Despite that, emotions are powerful and impact our choices and actions more than we might realize. I will help you to listen to them as a normal and healthy source of information and as a connection to your inner knowing. This is often done by attending to the senses of your body, because emotions live in the body the same way that thoughts live in your mind.
Certified in Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy, the gold standard of evidenced-based relationship counseling.
In the process of Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), you will notice that I ask you what happens when you disconnect, or get into conflict. I will track this process with you, unpacking it bit by bit, and helping you each to understand why things trigger you, why you respond the way you do, and I will help you to feel understood and validated in the ways that you cope. As I truly and firmly believe, all behavior makes sense if you understand it’s context. The first goal then is to establish a safe therapeutic environment for both of you to explore this, and this safety becomes the foundation of the rest of the therapeutic process. As I track your cycle of disconnection, I will give emotion precedence, knowing that it is indicative of something deeper within you, likely painful and difficult, and help you to feel safe to speak what is true for you. Vulnerability then, is the next goal. Sharing with your partner from this emotion-laden, vulnerable place becomes very important, as it creates a new pattern of communication and undoes the old one. The more safety and vulnerability in your communication, the more comfortable you will be to share deeper and deeper things - childhood hurts and wounds, parts of yourself you don’t like and hide away, and views and values you hold as a result of these. When we feel safe to be vulnerable, we are more willing to risk reaching for our partner to comfort our inner most distress and fear. This final goal then, is to engage a new way of bonding and connecting in which you are each fully known and fully loved by one another and both feel safe and secure in that bond.
On average a couple experiences relational distress for 6 years before seeking therapy, according to marriage researcher and expert John Gottman. That is a long time to be struggling through the pain of disconnection and trying everything you know to get back to it! So whether you are here before, at, or after that average, I am so glad that you are pursuing healing and health for your marriage. The cycle you are stuck in does not have to last forever, and you can return to a place of connection again. You are taking an incredibly brave step by inquiring about help.